School

I am making plans to go back to college. It's something that I have always wanted to do, but other things have always distracted me from that goal. I dropped out of college after getting mediocre grades and having no specific goals or direction. My self confidence was at an all time low. I intended to take some time off to figure out a path to follow and then return to get my degree. I wanted to return to college, but family, work and other interests diverted my attention, and before I realized it, 30 years had slipped by.

I have been asking myself why I failed the first time in school so I can understand how to succeed the second time around. I think this is important. My first attempt at college was pretty dismal. I went to college back in the 70s when I first got out of high school. I was too immature and undiciplined at that time. I take responsibity for that. But at the same time, I had no real mentors and no cheerleaders. I had always tried to please everyone else, and I didn't know how to take care of myself. I didn't demand anything of myself, and I didn't stand up for the things I wanted. Nobody encouraged me to follow my real interests. Nobody showed me how to study and get good grades. I had very little self-confidence. I was angry that my one real mentor in high school was fired, and I rebelled in a self-destructive way. My anger carried on through my college years and into my first years of work and family life.

During the years after quitting college things gradually improved for me. I made my share of mistakes, some of them huge, but over all, things steadily improved. I think my turning point was my first job in computers. I took a job selling PCs, and there was a big emphasis on being positive. My employer sent me to a Dale Carnegie course. At the time I thought the course was bogus, but it gradually sunk in that good things happen to people with a positive attitude. I was also lucky to have positive, patient bosses over the years. I was able to bootstrap myself into better and better jobs. With mentoring and self-teaching, I finally learned how to succeed.

I think back to those times in college. I was searching for acceptance and validation, and I wasn't getting it from school. I didn't go to class. I started partying and hanging out all night with friends. I know I wasn't dumb. That wasn't the cause of my failure. After dropping out of college I started to read. I had a huge thirst for knowledge and I read literally hundreds of books on diverse subjects like history, science, culture, philosophy, and fiction. My career gravitated toward intellectual pursuits like geology and computer technology. I proved to myself I could get good grades. I worked at a midwestern university where I took a 4 hour college class and got a solid A. For years I have been convincing myself that I have the ability to succeed in school.

There is really nothing stopping me now from achieving my dream of going back to school. I have no real obligations, no family to support, no big payments to make. I have a few obstacles like tuition and rent, but doesn't every student have those same problems? I have cheerleaders to encourage me, which I haven't had in the past. My only real concern is my perseverance, my sticktoitiveness. I get bored easily. I have days of highs and lows, and I wonder about my ability to get through the lows. I think I can obtain a degree in two semesters, but can I maintain my dogged resolve for that period of time? Can I muster a campaign of consistent studying and test taking? Maybe the only way to answer those questions is to just do it. Find the courage and do it!

A sense of change

It's been a while since I last wrote in this blog. I was stopped. My physical journey has come to an end, at least for now. I traveled across the country and back, and now I am at my destination in New Mexico. I felt like I should catch up and write about everything I experienced on that trip, but at the same time I saw new things were happening around me, and I felt their essence was slipping away. I need to move on to my original premise, that life is a journey. It's not just physical, moving from one geographical location to another. The important trip is really in my mind.

I am an idealist. I always have been. Age has tempered me with realism, but I still dream of the ideal. A while back I watched a pundit on TV who said Americans should package themselves as portable workers with their own health care and retirement plans, and they should acquire a portable skill set. This strategy, he claimed, would help those workers survive and thrive in the global atmosphere of outsourcing, layoffs and temporary employment.

That idea appealed to me. Layoffs were a constant threat to my job, and and I wanted some kind of assurance for myself. I liked the idea of being portable. I wanted to be a self-contained worker. I could walk into an employer's office and offer my services free and clear. Along with some other preparations, this plan would give me freedom to sever my ties to my current, soulless employer. I could move around, choose my work, choose my living location. It seemed ideal.

I set my course to become a freedom loving and unfettered worker. I did all the things I thought I should do, and more. Debt was in my crosshairs, and saving became my goal. I trimmed my possessions to the spartan necessities. Ridding myself of my excess belongings gave me a tremendous sense of satisfaction. I felt a sense of relief. I became unburdened. It was a spiritual experience.

My house had been my sanctuary for the last 4 years, but it wasn't ideal. I wanted a better place to work on my motorcycle. I wanted a place that was more energy efficient. My homeowner's association made me beholden to other people's rules, and it limited changes that I wanted to make to my own home. It wouldn't be hard for me emotionally to put my house on the market. The hard part was losing my base. I felt grounded when I could return home and hide out at the end of the day. I was jumping into the unknown and handing over my future to fate.

The portable worker idea gave me a seed of an idea to change my life. It started me on a physical and a mental journey. I had to find courage to let go of my old life, and trust that things would work out. So far, I am on plan.